And then we decided to buy a new apartment

[DARPA]

And then we decided to buy a new apartment. Decent intonation.
Of course, such a serious experience should be recycled into something more meaningful than some pathetic note, but this much I impatient. That's why I shoot all the talent in the wind. Although not used in the ground, not in the ground.
I will not name the exact numbers, to generalize and to teach. If you find that the text contains a warning, stop reading it and go do something useful. Or useless. For example, try to buy an apartment in Moscow.
In the beginning was Krylatskoje and Krylatskoje was fine. We had a small apartment, wonderful in all respects. View of the reserve, metro forty seconds walk from the entrance, a large shop on the ground floor. It was hard to find regional infrastructure within seven minutes on foot.
But, forgive me banality children grow quite uncontrollably. Here he still fits in the palm, okay, two hands, a handful, but he's already hurt his head ceiling and asks three calves for breakfast. And this is two years old.
And then we decided to buy a new apartment.
No doubt about it - only Krylatskoje. Favourite area where the windows is not something that jasmine, truffles do not wither.
Remembering a half a year ago, I feel a mixture of pity, shame and desire to laugh out loud.
We Dashko, having left some general knowledge obtained at the Institute for Economics, were confident that the market is arranged as a ... as a market or something. There are apartments, there are people who sell them, there is money held by the people and want to spend on an apartment. How else could it be? Where is the pocket for the complexity? Where to play the evil one philosophizing?
Chose five apartments in the immediate vicinity of our own and went to watch. I was beginning to worry a little bit - how is it all quickly turn out? That's literally just decided to buy an apartment, already walk, look, so, apparently, in two weeks to move. Need to find a loader.
Agent, met us at the door of the first apartment for a long time, with an important air rang the intercom. When she was told she vizgnula - 'aunts Val, let's open it!'
The apartment smelled of cabbage, porridge, okurkami- poverty. Ointment ski did not smell, I will not lie. The apartment went to a cute but very sad old lady in the hallway, with a lit chandelier and running the TV face down on the couch lying dressed man. In what could be called a bedroom, with the battery in a tiny baby bath, on a newspaper lying naked baby doll. Wallpaper hanging off the walls in places, parquet standing wave, plumbing drained from brown to copper. We can not say that the apartment we did not like, but shed porch propped kitchen window - that's nice, that's a reason to give up.
In the next house on the fifteenth floor we opened the door tired mustachioed man in a smoky sweater. The apartment is well looked twenty-five years ago, the shelves were highly specialized German dictionaries, somewhere across vases and carpets. Time stood still and covered with dust, pain, grief. Something happened here. Apparently, people do not fit into the market and remained forever sit in a chair, wearing a sweater, smoke cheap cigarettes. On the balcony he had not left since. And there kopilos shit. Literally. Birds srali there around the clock. Where there are so many birds? Well if it was near the sea, or at least the jungle. But here, at the edge of the Moscow area? There are birds on the balcony and it was nowhere to sit. However, w srali. Struggled with all my bird world.
The third apartment, as well as all the apartments in Krylatskom, is in the departmental home for some security officials. Lived in an apartment a noisy family, dreaming itself reduced by siding. And here it is. This apartment we decided to buy. Given bail and began to sell his own.
Just then, everything was simple and uninteresting. Came good grandmother hamovatym realtor and set the date of the transaction. Giving us to leave for two months prior to the transaction and two months after.
We should say about realtors. Nine out of ten of Realtors, which I met, these are people who can not do anything. Not even in the professional, but also in the everyday sense. They often do not understand how they work intercoms, can not find them sold the apartment on the map and navigator, are late, do not take the tube, do not return calls, do not have basic computer programs are not able to linearly express their thoughts. In general, it is rather encouraging. Apparently, the Russian built the present welfare state - even the most unsuited to work, and life activities people can feed themselves selling homes.
This does not mean that the agent is not necessary - you need. But that is another story, everyone has their own.
Life was again simple, specific, future clear action plan clear.
We left the rest on the New Year's holiday.
When we returned, our apartment is sold successfully and we waited for the deal to buy our future. There was plenty of time - two months, the transaction has been assigned, the agreement reached.
One day prior to the transaction, the sellers have raised the price of one million rubles. I know this is a common thing, when suddenly before the deal asking for two or three thousand dollars more. But not on the same thirty. And here is the thirty-all. And no. And when the anger, I covered the red veil eyes that says Chrysostom Klitschko, the future could look not only all let go, I knew these people. They are sick, poor, ill-bred. Not schemers and Cathala. Just ridiculous Russian dolt. They sent us on a dick. Literally. "- Ale, hello, we agreed on the deal, the documents are ready, the cells ordered" "- Go to the dick, bitch, the bourgeoisie, the common people they oppress."
It was the first lesson. What is it? How to formulate it? I do not know. People - shit? Yes. But it's obvious. People do not shit? Again.
Something I brought this experience, but what it is, and have not decided.
So we are left without an apartment.
Remained for two months until a contented, chubby and very friendly old lady will move into our favorite apartment that we have inadvertently sold.
Sit on the ground was uncomfortable, not sit. The image of the grandmother, who, even with a smile, but in the manner of the new Shvonder inevitably captures our accommodation was left.
And we began to look for. Still in Krylatskom - where else?
Infinite departmental houses built for divers, colonels, and retired Cardinal guards goats drummers. In fact - dull gray towers that go directly to asphalt Rublvskomu highway. I even thought that when you exit one entrance at my feet motorcade drove some Deputy. A little deeper, there is closer to the Youth - a more modest social housing. Family of Chechen refugees, twenty years in the five-story building and huddled here doyutilas, dosidela before she got a huge apartment in a new building. Flat for sale lohovatym Muscovites, and buy three Porsche Panamera. I was not against helping the development of the well-known region, but under the windows was some wild-scale building and I love, so construction was not.
On the day we saw four or five apartments. And a week later it turned out that Krylatskoje ended. That is, the most native, cute and comfortable Krylatskoje limited to twelve houses around the metro. Everything else - the jungle smelling Tarzan, the security forces and its atmosphere. And I love to metro close by.
It was the second lesson. What is it? I do not know. Just thought to myself that this is a lesson.
It became clear that we have to clear out not only his apartment but also Krylatskom all.
Here you need to clarify something:
- We were not looking for an apartment that would be cheaper than market value
- We did not have any special conditions and requirements
- Yes, I'm an idiot but I'm not a moron
We were looking for the usual three-room apartment, close to the subway, in a familiar area of ​​the market value. And we did not find her. Apartments, it would seem a lot, but to buy them, it turns out to be impossible.
With a heavy heart and dim prospects we left the lovely area of departmental buildings, spetstrass, security services, boutiques and desert birds suffering polifekaliey.
As they say, or change a hearing aid or change a neighborhood. Relatively familiar to us seemed a gray area of ​​the north branch. Thanks to my parents sheltered us in his time searching for new options. On the life of their parents could be said separately. But there is nothing. So friendly to us, they are configured, that the words of one character Dovlatova - "Everything is well. Only the white, red and beer. No cologne. "
So we began to look for an apartment in an old brick building. The advertiser, for example, wrote - "Excellent apartment, there is a real opportunity to make a fire." The house had hardwood floors, rotted risers, falling out of the window, sunken stairs and crumbling ceilings. But, yes - there certainly could have been done a fireplace. Carry to heram dog this junk and do in her place fireplace. Blast furnace, the crematorium.
Many called home from 1913, "Stalin", the other "Stalin" was called home for some reason mansions. And they were confident in their irresistibility.
One day we came across a house that around in our quest was impossible. Huge "Stalinist" house next to the metro Dmitrovskaya. Yes, it costs almost on the highway. But behind him a large area, green courtyard, private parking. High ceilings. First apartment there selling elderly woman with traces of plastic surgery on the face, a wasp waist and huge breasts. She claimed that she wants to sell the apartment as soon as possible and ready to go tomorrow.
We made ​​a pledge. Three days later, she raised the price of apartments in a million.
It was the third lesson. However, he repeated the first, has not been articulated in any way and testified only that the experience does not teach us anything.
But the house was nice and it was sold apartments abound. So we came to watch woman's apartment, like a witch. She gawked and told us how she wants to sell the apartment and now just ... something it reminds me of. She raised the price per million before the transfer of the collateral. I started to think that people put their apartments on sale just because to them, no one goes to visit. Loneliness, even in the family - a terrible thing. And then, an ad and have hosted every evening pleasant companions.
In the same house one bedroom apartment we were shown a two-bedroom. When I asked - where is the third room? Realtor skillfully portrayed amazement: - Do not you see? Here here and so you can put the wall.
Thanks, at least not the fireplace!
Fourth apartment in this house we sold a very calm and confident young man. However, he raised the price to 600 000r. "I do not fit in the money, does not fit."
And so, at some point, I thought that just by the law of large numbers, the fifth option is to work. Yes, I know that five is not such a big number. But if we are talking about apartments, even two is too much.
Agent on the phone explained that she herself did not arrive (it's style, it is courage, professionalism). You have to climb onto the floor and make a call to the apartment across from the one that we need.
From the apartment across from left sixty years corpulent, painted lady in Chinese dressing gown over his naked body. With a cigarette in his mouth. She masterfully tapped into the desired apartment, dragged and confidently said - "Now open, wait." Before us in the doorway comely form gray-haired man in a bathrobe with a kitchen knife in his hand.
- Come on, please, I'm just sat down to eat, - he said, pointing to the blue saucer with braunshvegskoy sausage.
The apartment was littered with ceiling paintings, chairs, dressers and other decor. Overall, the apartment suited us.
Woman in peignoir, lighting a cigarette from a cigarette in the stairwell told us:
- We have a great house. Departmental - And as, of course! I have learned that there are no non-departmental homes! - The apartment that want to sell quickly. This grandfather, he's not registered, nothing. He just cohabited with Nina. She died. She has three heirs. Two sons and a daughter. One son, the deputy head of the council. Caught on a bribe of five thousand dollars. Now sitting at home under house arrest with a bracelet on his arm. He should go to jail or return to the state, or the amount of bribes in twenty-fold. So they sell the apartment. A grandfather is this thing already collects. He was told to move out. Did you see what a mess in the apartment. Have you already looked at this house apartment? Do Lyuska? She's crazy. Well, not bought. That's nice. Will my neighbors.
It sounded like a death sentence.
But we have already passed many stages of awareness of their position - bargaining, denial, rebellion, apathy, unbridled joy, despair, listening to albums Murat Nasyrova and what else?
More about realtors. Realtor who picked us at the time of the fall - a professional and clever. It opened our eyes, hearts and mouths. She - a representative of the light side of the profession. But such is not enough. That is, according to my feelings, she did one.
So we set up a meeting with the heirs and the actual owners of the apartment. People were in urgent need of money. They were ready for anything. Despite the fact that they owned an apartment less than three years (mean, with the sale had to pay 13% income tax), they agreed to give us a full price contract. They even reduced the price per million. And agreed to fully vacate the apartment within two weeks.
And then our realtor found that a bequest to the unfortunate deceased mother briber an appendix which stipulated the right of life living in the apartment that same gray-haired lover Brunswick sausage. Without property rights, but still. Right it is arranged in an interesting way. From it you can not refuse. That is, you can refuse, but it is possible and restore. That is, in fact, we had an opportunity to buy a good apartment on very favorable terms, but with a secret. In the form of a grandfather in a bathrobe and sausage. Here's the story, here is a passage.
I remember when I came home, sat down at the table, drank a little, his head in his hands and began to think - what's wrong with this house?
Theory of my slim though exotic.
Through two courtyards of the house is the famous hlebzavod №13. In the production of bread, known to be used yeast - saprophytes, parasites with segmented mycelium. They always hang in the air in the area adjacent to the bread-baking. People living in this house, breathe yeast. Life. Yeast begin to parasitize on their brain and control the actions of people. It is unclear, however, in whose interests. But the fact of misbehavior in five cases out of five there. Yeast, bread-baking, realtors, corrupt - that's what will have to face when buying an apartment. Here they are obstacles - bony fingers of the invisible hand of the market, damn you, Adam Smith! And even if it does not take into account the wild prices for real estate itself.
It was another lesson. Another unformulated and apparently undigested lesson.
Yet we saw the apartment in which he lived a football fan with a black eye. At the door hung a baseball bat, and two of the three rooms were locked with a key. Mom went to work and locked from gouging two rooms. He, like, and he was perplexed.
The apartment on Tepliy everything was perfect. Up to the panoramic windows and balconies only fear in the eyes of the owners gave their panic, convulsive desire rather leave this house. On the street, he saw four consecutive darkened black BMW with Lezginke 'singing, as well as five restaurants with names like "Caravanserai", "Do Ahmet", "Wai-wai, is a Wi-Fi" and other, we understood the concerns residents okolotka .
The Dmitrov highway above the apartment was the artist's studio, which was closed but continually flowed on Suschevskiy shaft near the apartment had five owners and the location of four of them was unknown in Vadkovsky Lane house was at the level of the Commission considered unfit for life in prison is not allowed to drink in the monasteries - smoking, absurd became the norm.
Then everything was uninteresting uninteresting as any trivial intersection. We found an apartment and curious in it - after all he had seen - just what is it exactly in the middle between the streets and Goncharova Fonvizina. Here, I am with all the unlearned lessons and will raise their Oblomovs and ignoramus.
And yet here somewhere was stationed Regiment, commanded by Peter Englishman Patrick Gordon. Also a kind of enforcer.
You need to open a bar in his honor.